


lullaby for the broken » bbs

by pastelxzavva



Category: Banana Bus Squad
Genre: !!! BEING REWRITTEN !!!, Angst, Anxiety, Depression, Fluff, Happy Ending, Hospitals, M/M, Mental Hospitals, Panic Attacks, Self-Harm, Suicide, Tags will be added over time, eventually tho
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-01-20
Updated: 2017-12-10
Packaged: 2018-09-18 20:19:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 18
Words: 8,434
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9401375
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pastelxzavva/pseuds/pastelxzavva
Summary: jonathan had depression. simple, right? … it’s not. he tried to be strong, he really did..! but it’s hard to do, especially when you're under a lot of pressure.and besides... everyone cracks at one point, right? …well, it just varies on who’s hurt the most by it.»lowercase is intended»»chapter names are from “wanderer’s lullaby” by adriana figueroa»»the author has depression and thus is not going to romanticize a damn thing»





	1. wandering child of the earth

**Author's Note:**

> this story contains…
> 
> hush little baby, don’t you cry,  
> » lots of angst  
> don’t cut your arms  
> » self-harm  
> and don’t say goodbye  
> » suicide  
> put down those pills  
> » mental illnesses.  
> and extinguish the lighter…  
> » and bad habits, like smoking.
> 
> read at your own risk, and stay safe.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Let's start it off.

jonathan stared up at the ceiling blankly, eyes miserable. he didn't want to move, to get up. a voice at the back of his head hissed at him, calling him just  _ awful _ things. but he was used to it, but he forced himself to sit up, cringing when he felt his back pop in protest. 

 

rising from the bed, he looked at his forearms blankly. the scars lingered, they were still there. he hated it. he hated it so much. he hated  _ himself _ so much, he hated living and everything about it. he knew what he could do, he had options. 

 

the pills for his anxiety. the knives in the kitchen. the guns or bow in the corner of his living room. he took a deep breath and went for his camera.

 

“okay… here we go. hey guys, its h2o delirious… and uh… well this isn't how i really had originally planned to do a face reveal but… um… okay.” deep breath.  _ you get this out, jonathan. you get this out. _ he thought to himself, almost savagely.

 

“normally i don’t look as shitty as this, um… well… okay, i’ll be blunt. think of this as a suicide note - i can’t take it anymore. it’s fuckin’ hard, guys. so hard not to cut, purge, scream until you’re hoarse and punch a wall.” there’s a small sniffle. he wipes his eyes.

 

“so… i’m gonna try and kill myself. luke - i know you watch my videos pretty much the instant they come out - i’ll leave behind a note of all my passwords and such so you can take control of ‘em.” another deep breath, this is the hard part. “so… uh… to my friends… and fans too… this wasn't your fault, ok? you’re all amazing. you’re funny and energetic and supportive and you're all so attractive in your own ways. your laughs, your voices, your bodies and faces and everything about your guys’ smiles is fuckin’ contagious. you… you know?”

 

“but uh.. special shout out to ohm, bryce, luke, evan, my brother alex, and my sister hannah ‘cause you guys have been insanely supportive…”

 

“deliriously, even.”

 

“heh.”

 

“but… it’s too late, okay? you… you can’t save me from this. i’m an accident, i don’t deserve any of this love… every time one of you told me ‘good job’ or… or… or told me ‘it's oayk’, ‘it wasn't your fault’, my mind just… it told me  _ jonathan, what have you ever done to deserve these people. i dare you to even try and tell me. _ which… which was why i’d thank you, then go quiet, or why it only ever made my panic attacks worse.”

 

“i won’t be violent. it’ll just be a simple overdose - i’m going to use my anxiety and depression meds together. it should work so… yeah.”

 

“take care, guys.”

 

and it was uploaded and posted on every social media he had. instantly, scared comments and pleads popped up, but six pills from each bottle had been ingested.

 

_ jon, no, please don’t. _ evan sent, a desperate text begging for his friend to stay. 

 

_ please, j, don’t do this! we need you -  _ **_i_ ** _ need you. _

 

and many more followed, but  jonathan smith didn’t want to see the texts from evan, the one person who could have talked him down. his world was too black to see them, after all, the darkness having slid over his eyes the same way a shade was pulled over a window. noisily, but with a very,

 

_ very, _

 

**_instant effect._ **


	2. do you know just how much you're worth?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> inside jonathan's head, there lives four monsters, only two make an appearance this time...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Confused noises @ productivity
> 
> PANIC ATTACK WARNING!

beep.

beep.

beep.

beep.

beep.

_did it not work?_

beep.

beep.

beep.

beep.

beep.

_it probably didn't, knowing my luck._

beep. 

beep. 

beep. 

be-

“jonathan.”

_no way, is that hannah? why is she here? i thought she was in california?_

“y-you're… you're in a bad state, brother… but you're semi-conscious, so we know you can hear us…”

_....alex?_

“they miss you…”

“evan and the rest of the ‘dream team’ in particular.”

_yeah, right. why would they?_

“bryce cried..”

_...he did?_

“o-ohm… he… he announced he’s taking a break from youtube because he's so stressed and wants to make sure you're okay…”

_... oh god, what have i done..?_

“we haven't heard from evan yet, but luke is trying so hard to… to keep going… nobody else has said anything or uploaded a video…”

“they're all in shock, jon…”

“they miss you.”

“no, we _all_ miss you.”

_...i hate myself…_

_ you should. _

_you, again?_

_ what do you mean? _

jonathan’s eyes open, darkness surrounds him. an angry rumble builds in the back of his throat - a black and whispy spirit rushes around him.

the spirit grins horrifyingly, strips of skin stretching and contorting to show a bar of granite grey - crimson splashed over the dark wall of grey like paint was tossed recklessly upon it.

_i mean, you again? you're the one who made me do this! the one who made my friends suffer!_

jonathan tries to lunge at him, tackle the spirit, but he's held back. he’s chained… to… a…

oh.

that's not pleasant.

a huge shadow has chains wrapped around his neck, legs, arms, and torso. he’s seen this being before.

depression. 

his throat clogs, panic rising.

_no, why are you here? i thought that if i listened to them_, here jonathan gestures disdainfully to the previous being, the spirit, _you would go away!_

the shadow steps closer. 

the chains are a little slack.

jonathan lunges forward, but finds himself jerked back and oh nononono it’s too much he can't breathe he can't move his throat hurts nobody’s here nobody cares his skull is splitting-

_why did the panic attack come right now no this is bullshit help me helpmehelpme please i… i need…!_

beepbeepbeepbeepbeepbeepbeepebeepbeepbeepbeep-

“jonathan!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments on the last one asked about the lowercase thing, so I'll explain it.
> 
> Nobody really WANTS to know about depression. It's almost like society says that if you have depression, you're a burden. Nobody wants so shout about it, they whisper.  
> You know what that shouting thing reminds me of?  
> Uppercase words.  
> So, why not whisper, and make it lowercase instead?


	3. you have walked this path since your birth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A playlist for the stressed and sad, and sad siblings.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's shorter than normal - sorry.

mocha eyes. 

black hair. 

tan skin. 

it claws at his throat. 

evan - he wants evan. then his thoughts are interrupted. 

“do you think it’ll work?”

“he had a panic attack, han. he’s probably stressed, and we both know that he listens to this stuff when he's stressed.” 

a sigh. 

“you’re right.”

pressure on his ears. _headphones_ , jonathan thinks. _they're going to play my stressed playlist._ but the music doesn't play at first.

“wow, he's got some sad songs on here.”

“let me see!”

_shit._

“oh, wow… cancer, wanderer’s lullaby, hush little baby, goner, truce… damn.”

“that's right. he’s semi conscious, remember. knowing you, j, you're yelling silently at us to hurry up and play your music.”

“let’s click on one and turn it on shuffle.”

“start here?”

“here.”

the music starts. 

_turn away,_  
if you could get me a drink,  
because my lips are chapped and faded… 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so my friend dragged me into listening to Cancer again and I think my heart is dead now oopsies


	4. you were destined for more

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> who says that jonathan is the only one suffering?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: this chapter has mentions of suicide.   
> Please take care.

_thump, bang._

_thump, bang._

_thump, bang._

so repetitive. 

so. fucking. repetitive. 

a harder punch. 

and another. 

another. 

an-

“ow!” 

he’s knocked back, stumbling painfully. 

“harder you punch, the faster and harder it'll come back at you.”

“as if i didn't know.”

 _black hair, like mom and dad._ emotionless, mocha brown eyes blink at clear hazel ones.

 _and jonathan._ the thought crosses his mind, slow and cutting deep like a razor. he pushes it back, watching as the slender girl walks over. 

“h-”

“evan, don’t start.”

he doesn't. 

“i know you can't hold _them_ back forever. you can talk to me.”

“okay.” _i can't talk to you. you don't understand._

“i love you.”

“...where.” _i have to say this, i have to i have to i have to…_

“...huh?”

“where, where do you love me? i can't see it, i can't hear it, i can't touch it, i can't taste it, i don't even feel it. where is this love? i don't understand, hope.”

the burst passes from him. he needed to say it. he really did. 

hope is silent. 

shocked. 

“evan-”

“no, you don't understand. i love him, okay? i love him and i don't know how i do because i’ve never felt that way about anyone. i’ve never wanted to hold someone, laugh with them, talk with them, be able to share earbuds, or play a game while sitting so close to each other that our shoulders touch like i do with jonathan.” evan snaps, unable to hold it back. his throat feels oddly full, but he forces the feeling away as fast as he can. 

hope is crying, too. tears streak her pretty face, cutting down the smooth skin on her cheeks and making her pale pink lips tremble. 

“bear, listen to me..” she whimpers, and evan finally silences, looking at her with a blank expression. 

“i’m so scared for him and you. you barely talk, you don't look at me and you never answer your phone. you're always so mad, i don't like seeing you like this. please, talk to me.” she begged, evan’s eyes finally showed emotion. 

“....”

“bear, please… what are you going through?”

“...do you remember mason?”

“payne, right?”

“yeah.”

“mmhm. he had a brother - parker. right?”

“that's him.”

“...that's when we still had hannah and alex around.”

“yeah, i know.”

“...”

“...”

“....talk.”

“ _it's like you're screaming..._ ”

an eyebrow is raised. 

“ _...and no one can hear…_

 _...you almost feel ashamed, that someone could be that important, that without them you feel like nothing._ ”

tears sting his eyes. 

it hurts. 

he can see mason’s body now. 

sandy brown hair, freckled cheeks, that one crooked tooth that even braces didn't fix. 

“ _no one will ever understand how much it hurts_.”

the news. 

hope stumbling back.

parker screaming in anguish, sobbing. 

alex gawking, his little sister hannah looking around - so confused and pure.

and evan… evan just falling to the ground in shock. 

an overdose. 

“ _you feel hopeless; like nothing can save you,_.”

pain pills. 

painless, they said. 

easy, they said.

he didn't feel a thing, they said. 

mason payne, did it hurt?

“ _and when it's over, and it's gone, you almost wish that you could have all that bad stuff back… so that you could have the good._ ”

“...normally i’d chew you out for quoting rihanna, but that describes it perfectly.”

a sniffle

“evan, bear, look at me.”

he's crying now.

“jonathan will make it through.”

“he has a chance.”

“he has _you_.”

“...i hope he makes it.”

“ _god_ i hope he makes it.”

“i do too, i do too evy-bear.”

when was the last time he cried so hard?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry for making him go through that.   
> I really am...
> 
>  
> 
> That was a little too soon though Evan... to say you love him...  
> But I do suppose that you only know how much something or someone means to you when they're/it's gone.


	5. there are those who'll tell you you're wrong

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> How is ohm (and Bryce) doing?  
> ....not too well.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Paddy's day, I'm having a dissociative streak and I'm numb! Kill me!

he’d been laying on his side, hugging his pillow when he heard his phone go off. bryce had just texted him, he could tell since he had set each friend's contact up with a different ringtone or alarm.

_hey ry how’re you holding up?_

the brunette heaved a tired sigh.

_that's the thing_

_i’m not_

it only took a few seconds for the other boy (that he was willing to open up to about his current situation) to respond.

_oh?_

_want to talk?_

_if yeah, phone call, skype, face time, etc..?_

tears choked the brunettes and he thought it over, before he had the courage to respond.

_yeah, sure_

_uh,,,_

_phone call if it's not too much of a bother?_

_i’m a bit of a mess right now :’_

he laughed weakly at his response. “a bit”? what an understatement.

_sure thing_

_don't worry abt it_

_ incoming call: bryce(y) mcquaid _

“hey, ohm.”

“h-hey…”

“oh… breakdown..?” ohm let out a weak, wheezing laugh

“nah, couldn't cry if i tried. or feel anything, for that matter.” bryce goes quiet.

“it’s gonna take a panic attack, isn't it?”

“yeah, and you know what happened last time i didn't have someone there for me during one…”

“you fainted, right?”

“mmhm.” ohm could hear a soft humming from bryce’s end. he was thinking, probably.

“want to come to georgia?”

“i- wh- but- but don't you have a girlfriend? i don't want to get in the way of your relationship..!”

“ohm, please, jess will understand. she knows about your dissociative streaks, i told her because… well, you know how worried i get, especially about friends…”

‘friends’. ouch.

“...when should i leave?”

“could you come the day after next? i need to clean the spare room.”

“yeah… sure… sorry again.”

“don't be! i just… i feel like it’ll be easier on the both of us if we have someone to be with that… that was…”

“so close to jonathan.” it feels foreign, his name does. like it’s wrong - taboo - even. ohm doesn't like that.

“yeah.” ohm winces, and finally, a twinge of emotion sparks in his heart.

“okay. how… how long should i… stay?”

“um… a week maybe?”

“okay, yeah, sure.”

“see you.”

“yeah, see you.” a faint buzz echoes through ohmwrecker’s ears as bryce hangs up. instead of getting up to pack or even book his flight, he lets his arm go limp and he spaces out.

_..._

_..._

_..._

_..._

_i fucking hate myself._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, guys, don't worry about me, I'm fine.   
> Just a little disconnected  
> I'll probably come out of it p soon  
> Just give me time  
> (Also, are any of you guys still interested in this book at all? Or should I discontinue it...?)


	6. they will try to silence your song

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> quick convo between Luke n Ev to move the plot along, sorry it's shorter than normal.

“hey evan?”

“mm?”

luke has to swallow hard before speaking. 

“would you like to… y’know, fly to nc and see jon?”

“what?” evan sounds amazed. it’s such a sudden offer and honestly, he really wants to take it. 

“yeah, you know, fly out for a while - i’ll show you around where he grew up. he said he wanted to show you sometime anyway… plus you could visit him.” luke has to fight down his tears, running his thumb over jonathan’s unusually pale knuckles.

“um… sure, i guess. how long would the stay be?”

“i mean… he’s semiconscious and i asked him some yes or no questions ‘cause he can squeeze my hand and he wants you to be there when he wakes up, so i dunno.”

evan, however, wiped forming tears away. 

“i.. i could never turn him down. you know that. when should i leave?” luke laughs on the other end, dry and sad. 

“next monday? i’ll get the spare room cleared up and whatnot.” evan sighs quietly. 

“sure, i-”

“i never expected an offer like that.” luke laughs, the bid their goodbyes, and he chuckled. 

“one for yes, two for no. are you mad at me?”

jonathan squeezes his hand once, and luke laughs harder. 

as for evan, he's packing up some clothes and other things so that it's out of the way. when he’s finished, he double checks what was packed. 

no, he doesn't have his favorite hoodie - he's wearing it right now. 

yes, he has casual outfits. 

yes, he has his polaroid that he only uses for traveling. 

well, he's pretty much set and he's still got a week to wait. 

and what a long wait it will be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me clarify - Jon is semi conscious so he can hear what's going on and is mostly aware, but can't open his eyes. He mostly just reacts to what he senses. 
> 
> He has very little control over his body, but can do little things. For example, gently squeeze someone's hand.


	7. but right here is where you belong

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ya'll are getting a double update, sit tight.

“thanks for picking me up, luke.”

“no problem man, how was the flight?” luke looks away from the road for a moment, looking at evan, who gazes absently out the window. 

“bland as all hell.”

“hell isnt very bland, though.” evan chuckles, and he cuffs luke’s head fondly. 

“fuck off.”

“will do. if you fall asleep, i’ll wake you when we get there.” and he does, but not before taking a picture of a peacefully-sleeping evan. he looked rather small actually, head resting on the window, hands gently pulling his dappled, dark grey hoodie closer to his body - perhaps for comfort?

either way, a drowsy, just-awoken evan was rather cute (he meant that platonically, really!) and luke understood why jonathan was so protective of him at times. evan was like a little kitten, soft smile and brighter eyes than all of new york when he was happy, but sly and cool when annoyed. entertaining, in luke’s opinion. 

evan settled into jonathan’s house surprisingly nicely. he understood that it was his friend’s house, and luke wasn't staying with him. however, hannah and alex were staying in the same house. not to luke’s surprise, jonathan’s siblings instantly took a liking to him. evan voiced a concern later and it left luke astounded. 

“what if his siblings are pretending to like me and actually blame me for… that?”

“evan, dude, where did that come from? i dated hannah remember, i know her like the back of my hand. she loves you, she loves how close you were to him.” luke reassured honestly, looking over at hannah who was laying on the couch, reading a book and looking at the tv now and again. 

“what about her brother, then? alex?” evan received luke’s best ‘really?’ look. 

“ _evan._ ” to luke’s surprise, evan flinches at luke’s tone, as if he had made a motion to hit the canadian boy. 

“okay, okay, sorry.” and he shuffles away, sitting on the couch near hannah and returning the tired smile he got. 

“good going luke.” alex mumbles in his ear. 

“shut up.” 

they go to visit jonathan the next morning. and evan is anxious. 

luke can see it, clear as day in all the little signs. he’d been around jonathan long enough to know what's a nervous tic and what's a sign of anxiety. evan seems to have shrunk in on himself, and and is avoiding eye contact. those were always the two biggest signs of anxiety that jonathan had and he remembers jon enthusiastically telling him about how much he actually relates to evan when it comes to anxiety and mental disorders in general. 

soothingly, gently, luke rested a hand over evan’s and pulled his hand away. 

“don’t pick.” he whispered, evan mumbling a small curse. 

“thanks.”

“no problem.”

“alex smith with luke patterson and evan fong to see jonathan smith?”


	8. so dont search anymore

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> fuck chapter summaries im tired

“hey, evan, you alright man?” oh, so evan was here now? great, because he needed to be seen like this. 

“i… yeah, im good.” liar. jonathan could tell, evan was not okay. he had to be scared to see jon like this.

jon felt a hand squeeze his gently, and he squeezed back. 

“hey, little bro.” struggling with his memory, jonathan managed to squeeze alex’s hand in the morse code pattern of ‘hi’. alex chuckled softly. 

“you wanna stand by him, luke?”

“no, you're his brother.” so, evan was on his other side? to test the theory, jonathan managed to summon enough strength to force his right hand open, just a little bit. 

“go on, he's pretty much asking if you want to hold his hand.” alex encouraged, and jonathan felt evan’s slimmer, rougher fingers twine with his. 

“he’s so pale.” evan breathed, his hot breath brushing jonathan’s fingers. sure, the mostly unconscious boy couldn't hear him clearly, but he could tell that evan felt awful for what he saw. hoping to reassure his friend, jonathan tightened his grip on evan’s hand - just for a moment. 

and sadly, he wasn't able to see the final, soft smile that appeared on evan’s lips. 

—

“is this alex smith?” 

“oh, no, sorry. this is a friend, you need him?”

“do you know his brother, jonathan?”

“yes, why?”

the nurse on the other end looked at the boy settled on the hospital bed. honestly? he was very handsome, but noticeably tired. ebony black hair that fell into his seemingly glowing grey-blue eyes, tanned skin that had gotten paler, freckles speckled along his cheeks, arms, and a few on his neck. some on his back, too, if she remembered. turning her attention back to the phone call, she smiled at the boy and got a smile back. 

“want to talk to him?”

evan practically choked. 

“he’s awake?!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> #shitgoesdown


	9. you are the dawn of a new day thats waking

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> jonathan is awake n i c e

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HUGE DEDICATION TO @justafandommess BECAUSE THEY'RE REALLY SWEET AND HELPED LIFT ME OUT OF A MOOD DROP HAVE A GOOD DAY U WONDERFUL PERSON

_ as mr.jayyy once said: “im not even dead yet!” _ evan couldn't help but smile at the caption to the (admittedly adorable) selfie jonathan posted. jonathan was winking and looking away with a lopsided smile on his face - dog filter and all. 

 

evan looked up, standing as his name was called by a nurse with brown hair and bright blue eyes that reminded him of wildcat. he was visiting alone and he was nervous, honestly. but the nurse was kind, and walked him to jonathan’s room. 

 

“so, how do you know jonathan?” the nurse (who had introduced herself as ann) questioned cheerfully, smiling brightly. 

 

“i uh, i am a long distance friend. i actually live in canada.” ann rose an eyebrow. 

 

“i didn't take you as a liar, you know.” the brunette said slowly, evan furrowing his eyebrows in confusion. 

 

“what?”

 

“aren't you his boyfriend?” instantly, evan became flustered. 

 

“what?! no, no, im not dating him!”

 

“sure, sure. here you are, have a good day.”

 

“you too.”

 

the door opened smoothly and evan froze when he stared into jonathan’s eyes. his ocean-blue-with-a-stormy-sky-above colored eyes. 

 

then evan realized, jonathan was staring in fear. he was expecting rejection, to be hit, to be yelled at and called a fool. 

 

looking back, he probably should have but, well… after seeing his best friend and secret crush unconscious he lost it, he just started crying. 

 

tears welled in his eyes and he made his way over to jon, and felt jon gently take his hand. 

 

“evan, please don't cry..” the american pleaded, pulling evan down to hug him tightly. evan sobbed weakly, hiding his face in jonathan’s shoulder. 

 

“i thought i lost you.” jonathan couldn't stop his own tears either, and nuzzled into evan’s temple. 

 

“evan you didn't, im right here, please stop crying, you're making me cry too.” evan half-laughed out a sorry, and then they fell silent, holding onto each other. 

 

evan pulled back after a few minutes and wiped his eyes, a smile finally crossing his face and spreading to jonathan’s. jonathan reached up and wiped the last of evan’s tears away gently, his touch surprisingly soft. 

 

evan mumbled a quiet thank you and jonathan dismissed it, gently taking evan’s hand in his own suddenly. 

 

“you were scratching your hand. ev - i.. i literally can't do shit right now, what’re you scared of?” jonathan said, chuckling at himself and smiling up at his canadian friend. 

 

“i…” evan paused, then started giggling. “i don't even know.”

 

then they were both laughing, and neither saw luke take a picture of them hugging each other close, evan nuzzled contently into jonathan’s shoulder. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> <3  
> ya'll are getting a double update sit tight mk


	10. a masterpiece still in the making

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> cute stuff + plot progression fun

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks to mythicalumbreon on tumblr as well (and wannabe-canadian)  
> you guys are THE BEST !!!

jonathan was happy, holding evan’s hand and talking with him. their fingers laced together and - wow. just,  _ wow.  _ evan was really pretty, how hadn’t he noticed before?

 

oh wait, he’s supposed to be straight, right?

 

Fuck.

 

oh  _ fuck _ he is screwed isn’t he? but evan is just, so  _ wow _ , his soft mocha eyes and his raven-black hair.

 

then jonathan realizes, evan has passed out. their fingers are still laced - tan on a lighter tan - and evan is breathing slow and deep with his head on his arms. jonathan absently reaches over with his free hand and runs his fingers through evan’s hair.

 

_ huh, soft. _ he thinks, a tiny smile coming to his face. he used to joke about dan and phil, heart-eyed-howell and love-eyed-lester, but he didn’t know that he had the same damn look.

which of course, luke captured on his phone and tweeted.

 

jonathan noticed his phone going off and grabbed it, shifting his hand to unlock his phone via touch id, and checked twitter. he looked up, trying not to smile, and glared at luke.

 

“you’re smiling.”

 

“fuck you too.”

 

the two chatted, off and on about everything,

 

_ and absolutely nothing of course. _

 

eventually jonathan felt evan stir, and he quickly looked at him. sadly, the canadian settled again. jonathan chuckled, and looked back over at luke.

 

“why are you looking at me like that?” jonathan asked, smile falling. luke smiled softly.

 

“because it’s nice to see how you are. you’re happy, you’re being affectionate all over again,  _ and you’re still in love.” _

 

if only they knew that evan was somewhat awake, and heard every damn word.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ehh?? ehhhhh?????


	11. the blue in an ocean of grey

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> More fluff

jonathan actually was quick to fall asleep, and luke and chuckled, stroking his friend’s hair back. 

“go ahead, sleep buddy.” he murmured, and jonathan made a small noise, sleepily swatting luke’s hand. luke chuckled, allowing jonathan to fall asleep and squeeze evan’s hand lightly. 

he saw that evan was peering up with one chocolate eye a few minutes later and luke reached out, tapping his arm. 

“psst, ev.” evan carefully rose his head and used his free arm to rub his eyes. 

“mm?” he hummed sleepily, turning his gaze to look at luke. 

“enjoying that view?” he teased softly, jerking his head at the sleeping jonathan. evan shook his head, rolling his eyes. 

“somewhat, it's just nice to see him awake, alive… not possibly dying.” luke sighed quietly, patting evan’s back. 

“fair. you gonna stay here?” evan laughed dryly. 

“can't exactly leave.” he replied, gesturing to his and jonathan’s twined fingers. luke smiled, seeing how evan’s fingers moved as he gently squeezed jonathan’s hand. 

evan sighed, running a hand through his hair and yawning. 

“tired?” evan glared at luke in response. 

“you think?” luke laughed, rolling his eyes in response. 

“i get it, i get it. you want me to get you and jon something to eat?” evan shrugged, feeling a sudden warm feeling expand in his chest when he hear jonathan sigh quietly, the other’s finger momentarily tightening around his own. a smile makes its way to his face and he just enjoys it. luke chuckles and ruffles the silky, soft, black hair and leaves them. 

“call if you need something.”

evan doesn't call, and when jake goes in to visit his dear brother come morning, he's pleasantly surprised with evan’s head on his arms, fingers locked with jonathan’s, both of them asleep. 

content. 

and if jake isn’t mistaken, a small smile is on jonathan’s lips.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Double update on the way!


	12. you are right where you need to be

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> JONATHANS OUT OF THE HOSPITAL (and a short sort of shoutout to the musical my irl friend Cassidy dragged me into the fandom of)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 'S a lil angsty at the end.   
> Just a warnin'

jonathan is awoken by the warmth in his hand leaving. his nurse gently gets him to sit up and when he asks what's happening, they tell him that they want to check his physical condition to see if there was any lasting effects, aftershocks, so on or so forth from the coma since his body had been given time to rest. 

the checkup lasts about ten minutes and he's in fine condition. he asks when he can go home and gets the best response he could ask for. 

“you're being picked up at twelve by your friend, luke.” his whole face lights up, eyes gleaming in delight.

and noon rolls around, jonathan having been helped into a pair of grey sweats and a comfortable white tee, he's sitting on the chair by what used to be his hospital bed with a pounding heart, and the instant luke steps into the room his face splits into a grin, and he rises slowly and painfully. 

“can you walk?”

“kinda.” luke chuckles, walking over and putting a hand on his younger friend’s elbow, helping him walk out. 

“evan’ll help you walk, i’ll carry your shit to the car.” he explained cheerfully, unknowingly making jonathan’s heart skip a beat. 

and of course, evan did help jonathan. jonathan stumbled weakly after the canadian, their fingers locked once again to keep jonathan stable. his legs were fucked over pretty bad, but he was able to walk to the car and hop into the backseat. 

on the drive home, evan had turned around to check on his dear friend and instead found that jonathan and curled up on the seat, eyes closed tiredly and blissfully as he slept. evan cooed softly, amused and a little bit in awe of how small jonathan looked, taking a picture and posting it to twitter (and his snapchat story) with a caption of “tired, jonathan? i’m sure you’ll be glad to wake up at home.” which quickly earned awh’s from fans and amused, snarky comments (and texts) from friends. 

jonathan was awoken by something unexpected. 

evan and luke had tried to wake him up multiple ways, and evan got a bit of a sinister idea. 

he grabbed his phone, searched the songs he had, and when the singing came around, he sang along. 

“how does a bastard, orphan, son of a whore and a scotsman-”

“am i really listening to hamilton?”

“... by providence, impoverished, in squalor, grow up to be a hero and a scholar?” jonathan and shook his head and rubbed his eyes before luke decided to hop in, as laurens. 

“the ten-dollar, founding father without a father, got a lot farther by workin’ a lot harder, by bein’ a lot smarter, by bein’ a self-starter, by fourteen, the place him in charge of a trading charter!”

“and every day while slaves were being slaughtered and carted away across the waves, he struggled and kept his guard up. inside, he was logon for something to be a part of, the brother was ready to beg, steal, borrow, or barter.” alex joined in, greeting them at the door while hannah popped up behind and took on madison’s part. 

“then a hurricane came and devastation reigned, our man saw his future drip, drippin’ down the dragon. put a pencil to his temple, connected it to his brain and he wrote his first refrain, a testament to his pain!” she gasped the last line out breathlessly, having held her breath. evan chuckled, nobody was aware of luke recording. 

easily, evan stepped in to be aaron burr once again. 

“well the word got around, they said, “this kid is insane, man!” took up a collection just to send him to the mainland, “get your education, don't forget from whence you came, and the world's gonna know your name! what's your name man?””

jonathan covered hamilton’s part flawlessly and that's how the rest of the song went, jonathan taking hamilton’s part while hannah took eliza’s and madison’s while alex was washington (evan held jonathan’s hand when it came to the part of the cousin committing suicide) and jefferson and lafayette. evan took burr, angelica, and maria. luke was laurens. 

the song ended with them all settled on the couch, evan having subconsciously moved to be leaning into jonathan’s side, completely passed out. jonathan was tired too, and kept yawning. luke noticed jonathan’s tiredness and chuckled softly, lifting evan’s head carefully. 

“go to bed, get some sleep. we’ll stay down here.” jonathan nodded and scooted away, trudging up to his room while luke rested evan’s head on his shoulder. 

jonathan opened his bedroom door and found everything to be tidied carefully and beautifully clean. the only messy things left were the pill bottles by his bed, the laptop (shut) by the camera nearby. 

carefully, jonathan picked up the pill bottles and turned them over in his hands. 

nearly empty. 

the other one? the same. 

he set them far away from his bed, in the corner of the room. he carefully grabbed his camera and laptop and connected them to their charging cords. 

exhausted, he kicked off his shoes and collapsed into bed, curling up and passing out. 

finally, some decent sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Anybody wanna guess what those pill bottles were from and why they hadn't been touched ?


	13. poised to inspire and to succeed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> oops.

jonathan yawned sleepily, eyes slowly opening as he sat up and ran a hand through his hair. gentle chatter floated through the air from downstairs, and his dog rocky was sat on the foot of his bed. he carefully reached over - bending himself in half essentially - and stroking the canine gently. 

 

a soft knock on the bedroom door interrupted his quiet thoughts and he looked over, shaking his head to mess his hair up again. 

 

“yes?” evan poked his head into the room. 

 

“hi. just wanted to see if you were awake.” he said, walking over and sitting on the edge of the mattress, jonathan moving his legs to make room for him. 

 

“well, i’m awake.”

 

“i see that. how’re you feeling?” evan asked, soft brown eyes settled on jonathan’s stormy ones. a smile came to jonathan’s face and he whistled lowly, patting his thigh. rocky waddled over to him, and plopped down, resting his head in jonathan’s lap. 

 

“good. i’m tired and sore, but i’ll be okay.” jon replied, stormy eyes softening while he looked down at rocky and gently pet his dog. 

 

evan hummed softly, ruffling jonathan’s hair jokingly. 

 

“alright, call if you need anything. alex, hannah, and luke are gonna be out all day so it's just us.” evan replied and left the room, leaving a odd lingering scent of cinnamon apple cider, and coffee. 

 

“oh, fuck outta here.” jonathan breathed, feeling his cheeks tinge pinkish-red. being in love with a friend was not okay, much less the friend that just ruffled his hair, checked in on him, held his hand and stayed by his side when he was in a coma, who smelled of two of jonathan’s favorite things, and lived in another goddamn country. 

 

yeah, that wasn't okay. 

 

-

 

evan hummed quietly to a tune stuck in his head, sitting on the couch and enjoying the gentle quiet. 

 

he heard jonathan’s door open and he paused, looking up before looking back down at his phone, humming again. 

 

he didn't expect jonathan to start singing the song, finally putting lyrics to the melody. 

 

“we’re accidentally in love, accidentally in love, accidentally in love, accidentally-” jonathan started coughing, however, which threw off his singing. evan looked up, worried, but jonathan’s coughing fit eased and he waved the concern off. 

 

“m’ fine, my throat’s just dry.” evan couldn't help but chuckle. 

 

“of course it is. i was warned of your coffee addiction, there's still most of a pot left.” jonathan made a small sound of gratitude at the back of his throat that should  _ not _ have sent a small shiver down evan’s spine.

 

jonathan emerged from the kitchen and sat down on the other side of the couch, a mug of coffee in his hands. he pulled his phone out and opened it, scrolling through what looked like tumblr from evan’s angle, often times going to respond to texts and emails. 

 

so they sat like that, in quiet peace. jonathan would laugh or smile or awh at something sometimes, always softly and evan would always look up and grin and then look back down.

 

soon, jonathan’s coffee was gone and the tension in the american’s shoulders had disappeared and melted away.

 

“hey evan.”

 

“mm?”

 

“mario kart?”

 

“sure.”

 

but before they could set anything up, jonathan’s phone buzzed. confused, jonathan picked it up, but then dropped it and stepped back with widened eyes. worry snapped through evan like a lightning bolt and he stepped closer to jonathan. 

 

“jonathan?” evan steps a bit closer. 

 

“don't come near me…” 

 

“jon-” another step, jonathan flinches and something snaps in him. 

 

“ **_I MEAN IT!_ ** ”

 

and evan flinches.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i now have a snapchat n instagram  
> snapchat; pastelxleaven  
> instagram; pastelleaven
> 
> i also have a discord n u can join a discord server for this mess of a fic so here u go it never stops working/its an infinite join link  
> https://discord.gg/Ty6N825


	14. you'll look back and you'll realize someday

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> hahahahahhahahahahahhahahahahhahhahaimsorryforthelastchapterhahahahahahahahahahahahahahha

instantly, what he did hits him and he backs up, looking at evan with this horrified expression on his face and-

 

“jonathan..”

 

he runs.

 

he doesn’t look back, just finds that dumb, old bridge over that dumb, deep river he knows could kill him. he stares over the edge, feeling tears run down his cheeks while he stares over the edge with so much regret. he feels so bad about near everything, he shouldn't have yelled at evan and dear god that broken look on the other boy’s face when he rose his voice-

 

fuck.

 

he hid his face in his hands, a small sob finally cutting his cool composure. and suddenly, arms wrap around him and a small, familiar voice is in his ear.

 

“stop trying to hold back.” and jonathan lets go, sobbing into evan’s shoulder.

 

“i’m sorry. i’msorryi’msorryi’msorry.” jonathan chants, clinging to evan desperately. evan held him back even tighter, nuzzling into jon’s shoulder.

 

“sh-sh-shh, it’s okay jonny, i’m not gonna hurt you. you just scared me, nothing more and nothing less. i’m not mad, i’m not gonna yell. i don't know what happened but it's okay, alright?” jonathan’s weak, cracked “okay” only concerns evan more.

 

“hey, you're alright. i’ve got you. let’s go home, i’ll make some apple cider, and we can watch tv, alright?” jonathan whispered another small ‘okay’ and allowed evan to lead him off, their fingers locked. the familiar gesture was so very soothing and jonathan couldn't be more grateful.

 

after a few minutes, evan got jonathan inside and on the couch, wrapping a blanket snugly around his friend and making two mugs of apple cider, making sure to use jonathan’s favorite mug for one. he set both of them down on the coffee table and turned on some random documentary, gently and carefully handing jonathan his mug.

 

jonathan took the mug, but stared into it blandly. evan didn't have to ask to know that all of this, this mess, was jonathan dissociating. he'd seen what had spooked jonathan so bad after looking at his phone, too, and it hurt him.

_take your meds_   _boi_ was all the reminder said.

so instead of pushing the american to talk, evan waited patiently for jonathan to do something, anything.

 

and he did.

 

“cinnamon, right?” the elder asked, lowering his mug from his lips and looking at evan with the barest hints of curiosity in them. evan smiled.

 

“yeah.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sCREECHES  
> whO waNTS a doublE upd ATE


	15. in your eyes there is doubt

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> lets check in with ryan and bryce !! :DDD

thoughtfully, ryan mused about the day that he arrived here. it was his last day and… wow.

ryan looked around self-consciously, searching for that familiar hair color. golden blond, with a hint of strawberry. bryce.

after a moment of hesitation, a call of “ry!” caught his attention and relief flooded his face. there that (tall and very cute) idiot was! he carefully navigated his way over to bryce, mumbling a small hi to the girl that stood at his side.

so, this was jealousy, huh?

“hey, ryan. jess, this is ryan. ryan, jess.” ryan smiled shyly, mumbling a second greeting. he had to hand it to her, she was pretty. long black hair was was just a smidge wavy and framed her face just right. big blue eyes that sparkled and looked like they had lives of their own, tanned skin blistered with freckles on her nose and cheeks.

damnit, ryan didn't stand a chance, did he?

“c’mon, lets go.” bryce said, touching ryan’s shoulder gently. ryan jumped a bit and nodded quietly, jess looking at him with a touch of what looked like empathy.

“want some help, ryan?” of course her voice was nice too. fuck his life. it was soft and warm and felt like home to ryan, in a sickening way he couldn't describe. really, it reminded him of chestnut brown, a soft color like inside of a log cabin in the woods. he shook off his thoughts, how was not the time to be associating colors.

“uh, sure.” he muttered, smiling gratefully when she gestured for his suitcase. he passed it to her and they followed bryce. and honestly, ryan ended being caught up in the conversation, chuckling along and making jokes sarcastically despite his aching throat.

after a while, bryce looked at him curiously.

“ryan?”

“yeah?”

“color?”

ryan paused and thought. not ice blue, he wasn't that physically tired. sky blue? no, not quite. actually, yeah. he was mentally exhausted, not to mention tired. but golden yellow, definitely golden yellow too.

“mostly golden yellow, but a bit of sky blue.” bryce beamed and ryan’s heart fluttered.

damn bryce and his beautiful personality.

ryan carefully slipped into his room, before sitting down on the bed, gazing around the room.

soft beige walls with white accents on the window to his right and the doorframe to his left. the bedspread was mint green, soft and warm with light blue swirls.

“pastel pink, maybe some medium blue… lime green a bit… some sky and ice blue…” ryan mumbled, trying to put his feelings together through colors. pastel pink meant affectionate for him (he could really use a cuddle from buddy back home), medium blue was at peace, and lime green normally symbolized nausea or jealousy or something along those lines.

exactly right now, ryan was feeling affectionate, calm, kind of sick, and was (mentally and physically) exhausted.

satisfied, he was about to curl up when a knock sounded on his door and he called a soft “come in”. his throat was hurting again? fuck his life…

bryce pattered into the room and walked over. instantly, ryan scooted over.

“you want to talk?”

“it'll be in colors.” bryce pulled out his phone and opened up a google docs document that had all of ryan’s color emotions and what they meant or represented.

“have at it.”

ryan took a deep breath.

“i don't know what it is but part of me is pastel pink, but on the other side i feel like i'm drowning in the ocean, like navy or ocean blue but there's lime green too? theres so much white too, so much that it hurts my eyes. and then there's the sky, ice, and medium blue too? it’s so strange and… wow. it's like a kaleidoscope. there's just. bright green and even some crimson but it's so odd and it doesn't feel right to feel so many things at once. it’s like my medication is twisting my brain and making it hurt and making me feel too much to the point of shutting down.”

“so you mean you're partially dissociated, yet you're affectionate and miserable and jealous or feel sick, but still tired mentally and physically while also being calm. you feel so awkward and nervous and you're so mad but you don't know how to process it and the only way you can describe it is through color.” bryce said, skimming through the list and talking. ryan listened and stopped, thinking.

“yeah… i think there's… oh, that would be, yeah, there's hot pink too.” ryan mused, frowning.

“is the hot pink by the green and ocean blue?” ryan thought, then nodded. bryce would know what that meant and he did, pulling the brunette to his chest.

“oh, ryan…” he sighed sympathetically, rubbing ryan’s back as he felt tears wet his shirt.

“im sorry, i shouldn't be crying, i-” ryan started, voice cracking in multiple places, but bryce cut him off reassuringly.

“no, no, ryan you have every right to cry. please don't hold back, just let go.” bryce murmured, nuzzling into the top of ryan’s head, trying not to cry himself for ryan’s sake.

they didn't see jess glaring at ryan through the crack of the door and there was no way that bryce wouldnt know of how ryan smiled to himself through his tears and that she didn’t like ryan because he made her feel insecure in their relationship to get him to leave. because jess got her way.

she always got her way.

\--

“bryce?” jess asked, sugar and sweetness as she walked into her boyfriend’s bedroom. the said blonde stood up, throwing her a smile as he tidied up the messy purple and blue based room.

“hi, jess. what’s up?” he questioned cheerfully, frowning when he saw his beloved girlfriend wring her hands and frown.

“hey, you okay, love?” he asked, gently prying an answer out of her with a pet name.

the dam broke.

“no, i’m not. i’m really, really not. just… as much of a good guy ryan is i feel so threatened by him being here and i think it’s because you two have been friends for so long and that bond is making me think you don’t love me or that ryan is better than i am or somethin’ like that. i just don’t want to lose you.”

bryce stared at her.

“jessica rose miller, has anyone told you that you’re a very bad liar?”

“what?”

  
“stop pretending. you want ryan out because you think that he’s going to steal me away from you. or because you saw him having a breakdown yesterday while i comforted him because he’s my best friend and i couldn’t stand seeing him lose it like that, in a house where he felt out of place. jessica, tell me i’m wrong and look me in the eye when you do it. dare you to.” bryce said, smooth and cool.

jessica glared.

“fine then. i’ll have left by ten pm tonight. fuck you, mcquaid!” she yelled, slamming the door behind her and storming into the hallway, pushing ryan to the side, spitting curses, and not caring about the spooked, saddened look in his eyes.

pushing down his fear, ryan knocked on bryce’s door and then stepped in.

“bryce… uhm- j-jon wants us to go visit him- i don’t know if this is the best time or-” bryce stood up and walked over, looking ryan in the eye.

“what did jessica do.”

ryan sighed and looked down.

“she called me a no-good faggot.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> :DDDDDDDDDDDDD
> 
> (im trying to make the chapters longer lmaoooo)


	16. as you try to figure it out

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The promised fluff

“ryan!” jonathan called, delighted to see his friend. the shorter male instantly ran forward, and hugged jon tightly, both of them grinning happily. bryce followed more slowly, amusement sparkling in his eyes.

since the... “jessica incident”, as they called it, this was the happiest he’d seen ryan. the two boys instantly started chattering away, evan walking over to help bryce with the luggage. the group of four made their way to luke’s truck, which jonathan was borrowing.

on reflex, evan hopped into the shotgun seat after helping bryce and ohm with their bags, jonathan laughing softly and climbing gracefully into the driver’s seat. bryce and ohm comfortably settled into the backseat, jonathan, bryce, and ohm talking while evan tuned out, listening to music and humming happily.

“..an? cmon buddy, earth to evan!” evan jolted out of his thoughts, looking over at jon.

“what?” jon giggled, ryan snickering in the backseat.

“you dead?”

“inside, yes.”

“emo. starbucks?” evan nodded.

“you know my regular.” jonathan clicked his tongue approvingly, pulling up to the chain’s building and ordering drinks.

evan hummed softly, holding his hot chocolate in his hands, smiling and talking with ryan.

“no, really, i’m sure that you’d love my sister, you as well, jon.” he said, a brightness in his eyes that made jonathan’s heart flutter.

“i’d be happy to meet her, t’ be honest.” jon muttered, pulling up to luke’s house, where luke was sitting on the steps, crosslegged, on his phone. jonathan snickered, sending evan a grin before leaning out the window.

“get in loser! we’re going to zero gravity!” luke looked up, startled, then laughed and stood up, walking over. ryan - being the smallest one there - scooted into the middle of the backseat so luke could sit where he was.

  
luke plopped down, smacking the back of jonathan’s head playfully.

“oh, okay, then you don’t get your coffee.”

“fuck, wait, hang on, i take that back-” luke said hastily, evan giggling and taking the coffee from jonathan’s hands, passing it back to luke.

“knew you wouldn’t hold out.” luke mumbled, smirking and taking a sip while evan giggled.

“evan, stop encouraging him. luke, you realize that jon’s just not going to give out so easy next time now that you said that right?” ryan said, lazy, leaning into bryce’s side while they went through pictures - ryan being on tumblr - and showing each other the funnier ones.

“yeah, well.” luke muttered, taking a sip of his coffee.

evan snickered, taking a sip of his hot chocolate, humming cheerfully.

“hey, evan, ryan, would it be okay with you guys if i filmed everything?” jon asked, turning a corner, luke muttering a curse as he nearly dropped his coffee.

“yeah.” ryan replied, a little absentmindedly, half asleep on bryce’s shoulder. evan looked over, a grin spreading on his face.

“i was thinking of live streaming it on instagram, actually.” evan replied, turning back to looking out the window, grinning.

“do it. start streaming now.” luke challenged and evan turned to look at ryan, who smiled and nodded. so evan grabbed his phone casually and after a moment of questioning on how to get it to work, he went live.

surprised followers filed in quickly, while evan explained that they were going to zero gravity and that luke dared him to livestream it so here they were. nearly every fan asked how jon was, and evan just turned the camera to said boy with a quiet “jon?”

“mm?”

“how are you doing?” jon looked over, flashing evan a fond look before flicking his gaze back to the road.

“pretty good. i mean… i’m constantly tired but other than that i’ve been pretty good. wanna move a lot. sing. mess around in general, so i’d say i’m doing pretty well.” he said, turning into the zero gravity parking lot.

evan turned the camera back to face, him, smiling brilliantly.

“there you go. we’re here, so… give it a second.” evan explained, unbuckling his seatbelt, luke doing the same and chattering away with ryan, bryce chiming in now and then while they all started to walk into the building.

this was going to be fun.


	17. but that's not what life is about

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> zero gravity fun

evan laughed, bouncing at luke and slamming into him playfully before bouncing away, turning around to look for jonathan. his dear friend was nowhere to be found, but jon had plans of his own and snuck up on evan while he was talking to those watching his stream. 

“there might be somethin’ outside your window-“ a voice snapped in his ear and evan jumped, turning midair and accidentally tripping into jon’s chest when he landed - knocking them both over. 

“but you’ll just, never know-!” evan sang back, laughing too hard to sing properly, rolling off of jon and grabbing his phone from ryan, who had been nearby and caught the device. 

“you two are adorable.” bryce cooed, springing by, making evan go bright pink and splutter out a “shut it!” - while jon didn’t seem to mind at all. 

evan huffed, getting to his feet and staring after bryce for a moment or so before kicking off and chasing the blonde, both of them laughing while jon sat on the trampoline where he’d landed after evan and him had fallen over together - filming it all with a smile on his face. 

the day was filled with more shenanigans, but the dodgeball rounds they had were the best. evan hit jon in the head during it and apologized profusely, waiting until jon got out of the arena not three minutes later (hit by ryan, earning cheers out of luke and bryce) to pull him into an apologetic hug; which was captured in a picture by luke. evan had stopped streaming a while before that, but jon had just put his recording on pause. 

so they messed around some more for the rest of the day. evan used his snapchat more than he ever had before - sending out pictures of jon and luke fighting fiercely over mario kart and ryan and bryce bickering over what aliens look like (since they both agreed that they exist). 

at the end of the day, ryan pulled jonathan aside and hugged him, probably in thanks, but still - something bubbled in the pit of evan’s stomach. catching bryce’s eye, he knew they were both on the same page. 

if only they’d seen the look on luke’s face while he couldn't take his eyes off of ryan.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for being so inactive.  
> school is going on constantly, between that, my homework, and how awful my mental health has been recently, i haven't been able to write very much. terribly sorry. i'll try to pull out some more chapters to make up for it.


	18. A/N

wow hi yes im just going to rewrite like.  
this entire thing.  
so uh.  
sit tight bc im going back and doing shit.  
i'm going to redo EVERY chapter so whenever there's an update go back and read the old chapters hahahhahha  
ok bye im gonna publish the new version of chptr 1 now

**Author's Note:**

> Feedback is always appreciated. :)


End file.
